COMMUNICATION AS ONE OF THE BEST CONFLICT RESOLUTION SYSTEMS. INTRODUCTION TO THE SO-CALLED “NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION.”

We know that over 70% of conflicts arise from communication dysfunctions between individuals and between them and their teams or organizations. In fact, these can also lead to very intense conflicts between organizations and companies. One of the ways that is being explored to provide solutions to these problems is the so-called “nonviolent communication.” In this brief post, we will try to offer insights into this methodology to demonstrate its usefulness and also to highlight the need to train in it for more effective conflict intervention, whether we are part of the conflict or serving as facilitators or mediators.

The Nonviolent Communication Method and Its Applications:

The so-called “Nonviolent Communication (NVC)” – also referred to by those who use it systematically as “compassionate communication” or “collaborative communication” – is a practice that can be considered simple, but after having applied it in practice, it often proves surprisingly powerful.

It is based on the idea that human beings share universal needs that govern our behavior and that violence is a resource we use (incorrectly! and far too frequently) to satisfy them. If we can identify our needs, the needs of others, and the feelings that accompany them, we can achieve authentic communication and more harmonious relationships. Of course, it requires substantial effort in studying the parties involved, patience, and a great deal of empathy.

The issue lies in the methodology for its application. As we always say when providing solutions to our readers and members, they work when certain circumstances are present. What we are trying to say is that it is not an infallible method or a unique solution, but if it is useful, it is extremely helpful and should be added to our arsenal of resources. We must begin by asking ourselves a series of questions, and depending on the answers we can objectively provide, we apply the methodology. These questions are as follows: How do we express our feelings in a conflict? What needs are causing those emotions? What do we expect from ourselves and others? How do the people around us really feel? Based on the identification of needs and through techniques of listening and expression, the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) method creates environments of empathy and sincerity, which are beneficial for bringing us closer to one another and transforming our relationships into the ones we truly desire, whether at home or at work. Once again, it’s applicable when possible: sometimes, the intensity of the conflict is so great that we know our attempt will result in failure and significant personal wear and tear.

This methodology originates from the ideas of Marshall Rosenberg at the Center for Nonviolent Communication. Let’s now examine the main characteristics of the method.

What Exactly Is Nonviolent Communication?

Nonviolent communication is a way of relating to others. The authors insist that it is not a technique in itself. It is about relating to others with openness and understanding. What we most achieve with this practice is empathy for both ourselves and the other person. This empathy allows us to find ways to care for what is important to both parties and find ways to resolve conflicts, avoiding the usual “yours or mine” mentality or negotiations based solely on the mind, without considering what we truly long for in each situation. It is applicable in many situations and, in fact, leads to the pacification of circumstances where we aim for it. However, as we have stated before, particularly when referring to the methodology of the Harvard Business School, it is not infallible, and in cases of acute distributive negotiations or where emotions are very difficult to control, it may not yield positive results. In reality, we are not claiming that it doesn’t work, only arguing that it works under specific circumstances, and the Lab remains skeptical of “magical” solutions, particularly those relying on the absolute goodness and sincerity of individuals.

In Which Scenarios Could Nonviolent Communication Be Used? Conflicts in Relationships, with Friends, at Work…

Supporters of the methodology – even though they may not like it to be called so – claim it works in all life situations. Nonviolent communication is an approach that helps a lot when there is a conflict and we get stuck in a situation. These situations arise in businesses, hospitals, schools, family life, relationships with children, partnerships, etc. In all relationships, since we are different, there are misunderstandings and situations we want to evolve. As mentioned, ideally, this method would be applicable in every circumstance, but while we know that isn’t always possible, when it is, we are facing a wonderful formula.

Without a doubt, these are not tools exclusive to conflict. They are also incredibly useful for those moments in relationships when there is no conflict, as they help us feel closer, more connected in the relationship, and get to know each other better…

In other words, nonviolent communication is like nourishment for any relationship: if there is conflict, it helps it evolve; if there is no conflict, it allows the relationship to grow.

Concrete Examples:

Let’s take the example in the workplace. If our boss asks us to do something that we believe is beyond our duties, we have several options: not to do it, which will likely turn against us; to do it unwillingly, which will also backfire; or another option is to stop and look inward, thinking, “Let me see what’s important for me in this situation. What’s important for me is to maintain my workspace, my duties, ensure that I’m doing my job well, and also maintain a good relationship with my boss, I don’t want to get on his bad side.”

The best option is the last one, so “I’ll talk to my boss clearly and empathetically because I care about the relationship. And how do I work that empathy within myself? It seems simple. Let’s imagine that the reason for the task is important; I imagine he wants me to do it because he knows I work well or meet deadlines.” So, with what matters to me, I’ll approach the conversation, starting by sympathizing with him or her and saying, “Look, you’ve asked me to do this report to ensure it’s done well, and you know I have experience in this, right?” I’ll check with him because I don’t know everything. I’m posing a hypothesis to see if he confirms it, so I’m not guessing. It’s an empathetic interaction because my boss will see that I want to understand him, that I want to understand him beyond the task he assigned me, thus filling the relationship with empathy. And when he responds “yes, that’s right,” I can then say, “Can I tell you what’s going on with me? Can I speak honestly? I already have some work with deadlines, and I believe this project is outside my duties.” And something that initially seemed like a bombshell, I’ve processed internally to resolve it through empathy that I found within myself.

Can This Be Applied to Politics?

The founder of this movement, Marshall Rosenberg, has worked on mediating international conflicts such as the Israel-Palestine conflict. Hopefully, this process could be taken to larger groups in politics and international conflicts. It would take more time, but I truly believe that only through the depth of this process, by trying to understand the needs of political leaders in a country with deep needs and understanding the needs of both parties, can we see the real possibility of rapprochement in major conflicts, beyond agreements that only maintain power.

Could We Say Nonviolent Communication Is About Turning the Most Unpleasant Situations into Something Positive?

The important thing here is that, in nonviolent communication, there is first a task to identify violence. We call violence anything that causes harm to another person. Sometimes it’s very subtle – a look, a hand gesture, a posture… all conveying an implicit message that, on many occasions, is quite unpleasant.

In nonviolent communication, there is significant work to develop the capacity to feel this state, this violence. Because if we are not aware of it, we won’t be able to transform it.

In reality, nonviolent communication does not start from nonviolence. We are human beings, and we have a social model from thousands of years ago with which we relate. So, there’s no problem with violence, as long as we are aware of it and are able not to project it onto others. The problem arises when we act on it and express it to the other person because, at that point, it causes harm and creates distance or rupture.

The phrase “turning violence into something constructive” refers to the process of nonviolent communication: identifying differences (the root of conflict), following the steps provided by Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication process, and finding something better. What is something better? Actions that ensure our security. When we say “better,” we don’t mean ideal, because we all have different solutions; it’s not about that, but about finding something better than what we had in the conflict.

It’s Important to Seek Advice for Applying Nonviolent Communication to Our Daily Lives.

There is a basic key: to train. We must train because it seems like a simple process and has its core, because we are working with human beings: what happens to me, with what happens to you, in a conflict, with all the richness of other people’s lives, the present, the past, and the future. It is a simple process and, at the same time, deep and with a certain complexity. And that requires training.

Once we have trained, we must follow the three recipes Marshall mentioned to gradually incorporate this perspective into our lives: the first is to practice, the second recipe is to practice, and the third recipe is to practice.