The mask of sincerity:

In communication, when we hear “I’m just very sincere,” the phrase can indicate two things. First, a possible sign of the absence of sincerity, because unless it is a catchphrase, we know that if we are sincere, we don’t need to clarify it. Second, there is a strong possibility that behind all this sincerity comes a burst or even a hurricane of impertinence. To begin with, we know that the best way to shield a misunderstood honesty is with a good declaration of “sincerity.” Whether it’s the first or second case, one must prepare to face a complex situation, most often created by a difficult person. As we always say, the first issue will be to open our umbrella of patience and our shield of analysis.

If we recall many of the situations we’ve lived through, we find that hiding behind the virtue of frankness to justify outbursts, unsolicited negative criticism, and even cruel comments is a widespread behavior. And we know very well that it is possible to tell the truth without hurting others’ feelings, but finding that balance seems, for many people, a difficult task, or they are so accustomed to it that they don’t feel the need to find it.

Impertinence and sincerity:

Perhaps all of us can remember faces, names, and situations. Everyone remembers one or even several names when talking about that type of person who says what they think without a filter and pays little attention to the feelings of others. This type of behavior is often called “sincericide” and is an act of impulsiveness and lack of awareness.

If we understand “honesty” as saying whatever comes to mind, it might be confused with insolence. The main difference between both lies in emotional responsibility and prudence. “When one frequently falls into impertinence, it is likely that empathy is blocked, and the impact that words have on others is not being considered.” By the way, the impact of those words is rarely erased, no matter how much time passes since they were spoken. The gap generated from there is unlikely to be closed.

Sincerity, diplomacy, transfer of feelings…

Being completely sincere is not always the most diplomatic or safest way to communicate with emotional beings; the people around you are feeling individuals.

In general, it seems like an easy lesson to understand, but that phrase “I’m just very sincere” – a close cousin of “I’m just like this” – continues to be repeated endlessly, and in reality, it hides a lack of self-criticism masked by the fact that sincerity is a highly applauded quality. Many times, it’s preferred to avoid the guilt that might come from being aware that what is being said is not the result of honesty and bravery, but of violence.

Moreover, this statement can make the person receiving the comments fall into the trap of thinking the mistake is theirs because, in colloquial terms, they are weak or overly sensitive. The focus shifts to the receiver and their inability to tolerate the discomfort that sincerity may bring with it. The person receiving this information tends to review whether the problem is theirs (with some degree of conviction that it is), attributing it to sensitivity rather than the formulation of the message or how inappropriate it might have been.

A support for coexistence:

Knowing when and where to bring up certain topics may seem like the typical advice given by a close family member to a young person who doesn’t know how to ask their parents for a favor, attend a birthday party, or stay at a friend’s house. But it’s also applicable in adult life as a role of diplomacy, which is often a lifeline in emotional relationships.

If the person you’re speaking to is going through a tough time in their life and doesn’t have the capacity to manage what is happening to them so quickly, perhaps the last thing they need is a verbal slap. On the other hand, maybe it is the person delivering the message who is not in as perfect a state as they may think, which could cause the form of the discourse to be altered. We are not always in a position to hold emotions in the way we would like, just as it’s not always a good time for the other person, and, as much as possible, it would be sensitive and empathetic to take this into account.

But that’s not all, as there’s a small detail to keep in mind: perhaps the receiver simply doesn’t want to receive this consideration. It’s important to give the other person the choice of whether or not they want to hear the opinions you wish to convey.

Much prudence, the exercise of a lost art:

However, this acceptance does not exempt the sender from the prudence with which they should express it, regardless of the nature of the receiver. In the case of a person who easily expresses their feelings, it is possible that they already know explicitly whether this type of negative criticism or comment is difficult for them to digest. Therefore, although how the person interprets the message is not your responsibility, considering whether the person tends to feel rejected or judged, for example, can provide security and strength to the relationship. On the opposite end, those who convey a lot of confidence and strength often have an extended – and erroneous – belief that they have greater tolerance for these types of comments and can therefore serve as a punching bag to withstand all sorts of attacks. Nothing could be further from the truth, as they may have normalized verbal assaults or psychological abuse. Ultimately, misunderstood sincerity hurts us all.

The eternal search for the middle ground:

For all these reasons, if it is suspected that one’s opinions and criticisms tend to have this effect on others, it may be time not to deceive oneself and take responsibility for it from self-compassion. If it’s the other person who, with their words, tends to hurt, it’s time to set boundaries. This expression, so commonly used lately, seems like an exercise of life or death, sometimes translating into something as simple as “I understand that you don’t mean it badly, but I would prefer if you didn’t share your opinion.”

In the end, it is just as necessary not to repress what you feel and say what you think as it is to know how to express it. We can choose another scenario, other words, and another moment to say certain things, containing the ego, and many times, impertinence.

Perhaps the ideal would be that, before unleashing that hurtful comment that seems to escape from the tongue, the sender truly looks into the eyes of the person about to receive it and thinks twice. Maybe then, that seemingly irresistible truth suddenly loses its reason for being.